Once I Was Real
by citigirl13
Summary: Damon tells Elena that she made him feel real again. His POV of meeting Elena for the first time.


**So I don't know about this story. I kinda like how it turned out, though it's different to what I thought. I finally saw the season finale last night. I don't know what to make of it. I knew Elena was going to choose Stefan, but it really did hurt much more watching it. I'm hopeful though after seeing the end. I think Delena is definitely endgame now. Don't they see how disappointed the fans will be if it turns out that it isn't Damon and Elena? I think even Stelena fans will be mad because honestly, it's not realistic; I think the fans would be betrayed by the fact we watched and waited and it turns out it doesn't happen. **

**ANYWAY I hope you like the story!**

**DISCLAIMER:**** I do not own The Vampire Diaries or any of the characters**

**xXx**

**Once I Was Real**

Once I was real. Once upon a time ago (shorter than you would believe, but it feels long to me) I was human. I loved passionately; I hated shortly; I laughed; I cried. I lived an honest (kinda, mostly honest – I mean, _come on_) life and feared God, as everyone did.

I was just like you.

But (there's always a _but _– even in your own story) I became a vampire.

The ironic thing is, in the weeks before I finally turned, I was more alive than ever. As you know, I loved a woman as tempting as the apple was to Eve and as poisonous as the one Snow White bit in to. I was old enough to have had relationships – small little things, I guess they're now called _flings_. But there was no woman like her.

I know I sound stupid. I bet you're rolling your eyes as you read this, thinking _of course, she's the best thing since sliced bread until you find out she's not._ Remember, your vision is twenty-twenty with hindsight. That changes everything.

Just pretend that you didn't. What would you think then? Would you smile like you do in romantic novels, watching them draw ever closer together, already picturing them – _us _– sitting on the porch as the sun goes down? Picturing our kids? Seeing us old and grey and still together?

Sometimes I wish it could have turned out that way. That I lived out my life as all my old friends did. Even that I died in the war so I would never know the horrifying seduction of eternal life; never know the power that blood can have over a person. I think I would be happy. I didn't really want to see the twenty-first century – no offence. Okay, there is so much that I know and have seen: televisions (people always go on about them, don't they?) and skyscrapers and music that makes me want to explode and rollercoasters that feel like they will tear me apart.

Thing is, no matter what century it is, people are all the same. At the end of the day, we're all alike.

It makes you sick after a while.

I used to wish that a lot. Not so much now.

Things change.

She betrayed me. You know that, I know that – but it still hurts. People don't understand (people who live a natural life span) that just because it happened a long time ago doesn't mean something like this doesn't hurt any less. Even now, when I've finally gotten over her (some days I feel like this. Other days I see her and my heart gives a little ache of what-could-have-been. And some days it's not just a step back, it's a mile. Story of my life, right?) thinking about it still hurts.

Do you understand it a little better now? Why I became who I am (or maybe, hopefully, who I _was_? Or is that just wishful thinking?)? I had just lost the woman I loved and found out that she had turned my brother too. And being a vampire isn't easy.

I'm sorry.

Slowly I really did become a monster. I killed. At first I hated it, but after a while I gained a sick pleasure in it. When you live forever, a lot of things lose their excitement. You take whatever fun you can get, and hunting, seducing and _killing _was fun. It's not just me. I'm sorry, but it's not. _Most _vampires are like this. Some aren't (my brother isn't, but look what happens to him when he sticks to his veggie diet) but that's rare. Just because they're mostly the ones you've met doesn't mean that's the norm.

But I didn't just become a monster. I became someone else. A fake; a plastic mannequin. It's difficult to explain. I didn't feel like a person. You might say I wasn't – that I was a vampire – but you _miss _it.

(There. I've said it. _I miss being human. _I don't like what I am, what I've become. You don't want to know what I'd do to be human again. If I could drain it out of a thousand people I would. No question.)

Everything I did – even killing – felt stale. After all, I could cross the line that humans can't and nothing would change. I would still be alive, I would still be sinfully handsome (oh come on! Even you can't deny it!) I would still be the same. Change is a beautiful thing: spring into summer and summer into autumn and autumn into winter and winter into spring. People many hate it but _God_ you miss it when it's gone.

When you first saw me – do you think it was fate? That I just _happened _to be lying on the same road that you walked down? That you came to me, that of all the coincidences, of all the missteps and fights... Like, you just _happened _to sneak out of family night; you just _happened _to get into a fight with Matt; you just _happened _to come down the same road where I was. You, the doppelganger, and me, the one that was in love with the first one. Doesn't that strike you as a pretty _big _coincidence?

Anyway, when you first saw me – well, actually it was _before _you first saw me, but, semantics – I was lying on the road. It had been a hard day for me. I was staring up at the sky, wishing the comet would hurry up and get here. I hadn't been home in so long, it was...hard returning. Though so much had changed – _has _changed – so many things haven't and well...memory is a curse. Maybe you'll give a half smile when you read that line, considering how ironic it is, after what _you're _remembering now.

I didn't think of Katherine when I heard your voice. Maybe it was because you were so _innocent. _Talking on the phone to a girlfriend about your relationship, so concerned about such a little problem.

You sounded like a girl. I'm sorry, but you're not one anymore. I wish you were. If I could turn back time, change things, then I would leave you in peace. You don't deserve what's happened to you.

My heart leapt when I saw you. I thought that it was Katherine – I thought that somehow she had escaped. It wouldn't be the first time Katherine had surprised me.

But you looked at me without recognition. No one's that good an actress, especially since when I listened hard enough I could hear your heart beat (it sped up when you saw me. Just saying). "I'm Elena," you said.

_There. _Right _there_. There aren't that many moments that you can point to and say that's when everything changed; that's when your car swerved off the road you had been on and started down the dirt track. But there, then, _this_ was one of them for me.

"I'm sorry," I said. "You just really remind me of someone..." How could I explain? So I just said, "I'm Damon."

Was that a _there _moment for you?

"Not to be rude or anything Damon, but it's kinda creepy that you're out here all alone." You were bold to say this to a stranger. Even then you were so confident. Perhaps more than you are now, because there was something different – again, innocence. You had always gotten whatever you wanted back then; you didn't know how much pain life could bring.

You were just like me.

I wanted to keep talking to you. _You_, not a compelled zombie. I would have said anything to keep you with me. I know why now: something was stirring inside me, awakening. But more about that later.

So I said, "You're one to talk. You're out here by yourself."

You gave me a patronising look then. "It's Mystic Falls – nothing bad ever happens here."

You sounded so sure of yourself. I wanted to tell you about 1864, about all the creatures that walked through here (I just didn't know about werewolves then, but it's not just vampires, werewolves and witches. But that's another story), of all the vampires in the tomb waiting for a trickle of blood so they could be released. At the same time I didn't. Keep you sure of yourself and the world you lived in, for just a little while longer.

I waited you out for a little bit. You glanced down at your phone, perhaps debating about whether to talk to me about it or leave me. But you did. Maybe you wanted to keep talking to me too? You lifted your arm. "Got into a fight with my boyfriend."

"About what? May I ask?" I made sure my tone was polite. Didn't want to scare you off.

You shook your head. "Life. Future. He's got it all mapped out."

I remember, I know: how all of a sudden you wake up and feel your life carting down the hill and you're just along for the ride. I woke up feeling that way once too. That's why I joined the war. _Big mistake _that was. Again, another tale for another time.

"And you don't want it?" I pressed on.

"I don't know what I want."

I smirked. "Well that's not true." I paused and realised that, despite your best efforts, I had you hooked. I felt a little shiver of pleasure as I continued. "You want what everyone wants."

You smiled then and your eyes lit up. "What?" you asked with – finally! – a teasing tone. "Mysterious stranger who has all the answers?" You may have said it to imply that this was predictable, I was predictable, but your face said otherwise. You were flirting. Yes you were, before you can deny it! You were flirting with me, just a little bit, and I was too.

Right from the beginning. Again, just saying.

I wasn't sure if you were being sarcastic or you were saying that's what you wanted. Either way I smiled, gave a little snort. "Well let's just say I've been around a long time." Looking back at you, you were still smiling. "I've learnt a few things."

"So Damon," you said, like a gambler putting all their money in, "tell me, what it is that I want?"

No, I didn't say _me_. Believe it or not. I said:

"You want a love that consumes you. You want passion, an adventure, and even a little danger." As I said this I advanced on you until we were closer, barely a breath away. It was...dizzying, being so close to you. I could see every little part of you; hear your heart thumping; smell the scent of perfume and a little smoke. All of this hit me like a fallen tree and it was hard for me to stay on my feet.

Even then, I wanted you. Can't explain it. Don't think I ever will be able to, and to be honest, I don't want to. This type of thing, you can't explain.

You stared at me. It was as if you couldn't believe it. Maybe you were surprised that I was able to get into your head so easily. I knew I was right. I could see it in your eyes. But – I know I said that everyone wants the same thing, and implied that you were like everyone else – but that's not true. Maybe everyone wants that, but rarely do they have that look in their eyes that you had. Like a small part of them would go looking for it. Like you couldn't wait for it to happen.

Do you still feel that way now?

You then smiled at me and said, "So what do you want?" My heart gave a little leap. You still wanted to talk to me. It wasn't just me keeping the conversation flowing, it was you too. Despite everything, you wanted to have me with you. And even you've probably only wanted me for one night, I'll take it.

You see, we'll always have that night. No Klaus, no fires, no running...no Stefan. Just you and me.

Your question caught me off guard. I hadn't thought about it before. Being a vampire, you could get almost anything. So what did I actually want? Money? Fame was out of the question. Blood? No, it wasn't what I truly wanted.

Love?

Your parents came in their car then, and thank God they did. If they hadn't I may have actually said love. And back then I was _not _ready to admit to myself that's what I wanted. Yes, I wanted Katherine and what we had together. But when I thought of love then, I didn't think of Katherine. What she and I had, whatever it was, it definitely wasn't love. And as you know, I wasn't ready to admit that.

You turned back to me and I took my opportunity. As you've already guessed, I compelled you. Why did I do it? Even now I'm not really sure why. I knew Stefan was around and I'll admit, I wasn't ready to see my brother again – I needed to prepare myself. But even so, I didn't have to give you my name. I could have "accidently" bumped into you later. We could have met up at a bar and talked and...connected, hopefully. And Elena, right now I wish to God that I hadn't compelled you. I wish that I'd kept that conversation in your memory because who knows? Maybe things would have turned out differently. But I didn't, and I'll have to live with that.

I compelled you. I said, "I want you to get everything you're looking for." That's what I wanted then. Truthfully I didn't want anything for myself – I was a lost cause. But you, you weren't.

And here's the important thing, so read this carefully: you're still not a lost cause Elena. You still have a chance. A real chance at life. I know you don't want to be a vampire. No one wants to be one, not really. But you can get through it. You can be a vampire and still be you. Don't be like I did. Remember who you are. You're Elena Gilbert. Never forget it.

Anyway, I compelled you to forget we met. And then I left you. Again, another mistake. I wish that I had followed you, saved you and your parents from the accident. If I had followed you, Stefan and I, we would have been able to save all three of you. Stefan was still drinking animal blood so he wasn't strong enough to get you all out. I could have done it.

But to be honest, I wanted to get away. I needed time to clear my head, to think. At the same time though, I felt drunk. Not the usual drunk that I get sitting in the bar. No, I got the happy kind of drunk – the feeling that I could do almost anything.

Meeting you Elena – you made me feel _alive _again. Talking to you in that minute (that's how long we were talking, though it felt longer to me) brought me back. I forgot all the pain from Stefan and Katherine, all the heartache and scheming to get my brother back. Those things that pushed me forward suddenly didn't mean anything anymore. I just felt happy. No, I was _real _again. God Elena, you made me feel _human _again.

You have no idea how much that means to me. So for that, if for nothing else, thank you.

I am leaving. You're still out from the accident (technically you're dead, but you're going to wake up soon) and I know I'm taking the coward's way out, but instead of seeing you I'm writing you this letter.

You're probably upset that I didn't wait. But you said you had to let me go – you did let me go. And I'm going to honour that. Being a vampire is as confusing as hell Elena. I don't want to make it even harder for you.

Despite this, I know you're going to remember. Not just this but what I said after you had been kidnapped by Rose and almost kidnapped by Elijah. I know it's going to hurt you. I know you're going to be confused over your feelings.

I'm not going to wait for you any longer. You chose Stefan. I'm not mad – or at least I'm trying not to be. Stefan will love you, he'll always be there for you – he's not going to get angry or screw things up like I would. I don't blame you for picking him. If I was in your shoes I probably would have done the same thing.

Like I said, I'm going. I don't know where – I'll see where the road takes me. Who knows – maybe I'll meet someone.

But if you need me, you can call. I'll keep my cell phone number the same. If there's a disaster or you're in trouble, just call me and I'll come back. I need to ask you a favour though. Please don't call unless it's important. Don't call if you just want to chat, don't call just to see how I'm doing. It'll do more harm than good. Call if you're in danger.

Call if you wake up one morning and miss the sound of my voice; call if you keep seeing me wherever you go; call if you hear the song _All I Need _and see us, me opposite you, hand so close yet so far away from yours.

Call if you decide it's me you want.

I know. Stupid. But I don't want to regret leaving and not saying it. I'll always be there Elena. Remember that.

And one more thing: don't give up. You will have to decide to complete the transition. I'm asking you to complete it. I know it's not my place; I know you might not want to; I know you're scared. But you can do this. You will have Stefan and Caroline to help you. And can you really leave Jeremy with no one? Can you really say goodbye to Stefan after you finally picked him? Yes I'm making you feel guilty, and I'm doing it shamelessly. Why? Because a world without Elena Gilbert is a dark world indeed. Even if I'm not with you, knowing that you're out there somewhere will make me feel better.

Good luck Elena.

I love you. Remember. You're the only love I've ever known. No matter who I face, who I meet, what obstacles I run into, no one can erase it.

Damon

**xXx **

**I'm not sure if I'm going to continue you this story or not. I haven't decided yet. But I would advise people to put it on story-alert just in case. I probably won't continue with it but you never know! **

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


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